Saturday, October 9, 2010

"What We Need is a Good Old-Fashioned Tightwad"

From San Jose Mercury-News.

"I was walking out of the grocery store a couple weekends ago when, before I even got outside, I was assaulted by a group of little men dressed in paramilitary outfits.

They were wielding bags of a lethal toxin cleverly disguised as a movie theater snack. As the first one moved in, I dropped into my Kung Fu fighting stance and waited for him to make his move. He babbled something about whether I wanted some "popcorn," which I took as teen Karate slang for "You ready to be twisted around and POPPED like a fresh sheet of Bubble Wrap, old man?"

Three others in matching uniforms fanned out in classic VanDamme/Seagal attack formation. Well, I knew it would eventually come to this. I've prepared for a martial arts showdown with my enemies (uniformed militias, people who switch sports allegiances, squirrels) since I was a youngster, training with the Deathly HAIYAH! Dojo. I may be old, but I was well-trained and ready to fight to the death."

Hew's referring to some Boy Scouts selling popcorn outside a grocery store. I get assaulted every Saturday outside Sam's Club by the same groups: Scouts of some gender selling crap I can't eat, flag football teams/cheerleaders selling MORE crap i can't eat, the Lions Club selling crap I don't want, or drug/alcohol awareness/prevention groups handing out crap I don't want.

I even got waylaid by a church group outside a Kroger store--they were roaming the parking lot looking for victims. What killed me is the church was 30 miles away in another town. Why weren't they assaulting THEIR OWN citizens?

"And they sell popcorn? Really? They couldn't come up with anything better than popcorn? Like, I don't know, bagel dogs?"

See what I mean? I'm coming out of a GROCERY STORE, where I can buy MY OWN popcorn for a hell of a lot cheaper than what these paramilitary parasites are asking for theirs. Marketing needs to get on this NOW!

"The shadow organization run by the secret cabal of Swiss bankers known as the "Girl Scouts" at least delivers yummy cookie treats while attacking civilians in the name of giant corporate dominance. (My oldest kid once sold something like 300 boxes of cookies, for which she was to be rewarded some sort of stuffed animal made in Taiwan for 17 cents. That was 1997. The girl's in college now and still -- STILL — hasn't seen the stuffed animal.)"


"An adult can't go near a school these days without someone asking for money. It's like the Hare Krishnas attacking Rex Kramer in "Airplane!" We went to Back to School night last month and the amount of the suggested donations for this and that were staggering."


"You know who we need as governor? My grandma. But being that she's dead, we need to another little old lady who clips coupons and hides money all over the house until she finds a good reason to hand it out. Or make the politicians start pestering people at grocery stores by selling baked goods."

She's probably way too smart for the job, dear.

In deference to the paramilitary parasites, little league beleaguered, cheerless cheerleaders, and other kiddy groups asking for money, I give them money instead of buying their food (since I can't eat it). The Girl Scouts have at least taken me up on the idea of selling more nutritious fare, even if I can't eat it myself--last time I saw them, they were selling canned nuts...LOW SODIUM ones...and Hubby can eat them. As for the rest, I slip 'em a couple of ones for keeping the kids off the streets, and out of the store I just came from.

I usually regale the Cub couts with the tale that I, too, used to be one of them--a story for another time.


Post a Comment